Wisdom From Around The Way
by Dr. Adriennie Y. Hatten
Wow! This week has truly been full of Ah Ha moments that have brought me repeatedly back to something both my grandmothers used to say- there is nothing new under the sun. Mind you they were both born in the early 1900’s! I have also been reminded that change is constant, and change is ‘a constant’. The one thing we can always be sure of is that change typically will always occur from moment to moment, hour to hour, week to week, etc… You get the point right? Of course, we don’t control the rate or pace of change or even how quickly we realize that change has occurred. We rarely even have control over the time it takes us to acknowledge that we have adapted to change or even understand exactly when we made a change in our thinking or our behavior. But somehow, we adapt to the change and the change – changes us.
When I teach DEI Basics (that’s what I and my colleagues Still call it) I remind people that we change the Way we think about things, based on our experiences and interactions with other sources of information that we amass from day to day. I clearly changed how I think about some decisions I made at certain points in my life due to new roles that I have willingly taken on. There was actually a time when I could not imagine myself as a Mom and actually doubted that I possessed the skills to be one but now I realize I became a Darned good one!!!
Now that I have been parenting the Son-shine I birthed and the 4 children ( now adults) I have been calling “mine” since my baby sister got her wings, 12 years ago I almost forgot that I used to think that about myself. I will never forget sitting in the waiting room at one of my prenatal appointments at 30 years of age engaging in what felt like an interview with a preschooler whose mom was waiting as well. Initially, the conversation was pretty light until she got very perplexed when I responded to her question “where are all your other babies at” with my truth- that I didn’t have any other babies. I actually had 3 godchildren by then and 3 nieces that I had poured in to by then, but that was not what she was asking about LOL! You gotta love the little people. They keep you honest and force you to self-reflect. Either way, she asked her question at least three times and each time I answered, ” I don’t have any other children. Then she would say “you mean you don’t have any more babies??” I left that office thinking about my earlier beliefs and wondering if I really could or should become a parent but of course the train had already left the station- lol!
Fast forward a quarter of a century or so and I received 2 dozen roses on this last Valentine’s Day on my doorstep with the following message attached:
Thank you for being a Great Mother. Your Favorite Son
Psalms 114:14-15
Not only did it make my heart glad because I love flowers, but my heart was elated because I still sometimes ask myself if I did alright by him even though our household upsized right before his 14 th birthday. He always tells me I was a great parent to him and his ‘siblings’, but I still wonder. When I watch the child that I gave birth to soar today and I think back on his childhood all the way back to before we became a family of 2 when he was 3 years old, I reflect on what a joy it was pouring my maternal energy and wisdom into him. We have pictures and memories, and shared experiences. I have been the protective Mama Bear-except when he was on a field or a court and I was repeatedly informed never to walk out of the stands unless personally invited by him after or before the game. I could yell and shout but never his name- only his number. I could wear items with his name on me and I could tell everyone in the stands that the 250 lb offensive lineman was my baby. But I never broke the rules, even when he got injured in his last high school football game. I could tell something was wrong but could not confirm my suspicions until later that evening when the coach called to tell me he was pretty certain my son had sustained a concussion, and I had to take him into the ER, after he drove himself home from high school.
I have been the nurse- Mama he needed when he tore his meniscus 4 weeks before his high school trip to Europe and had surgery. Yes- he made it to the 90 degrees rotation needed for the doctor to approve his travel! I’m still thankful that I raised a great young man whose high school principal willingly escorted him along with his wheelchair and crutches around 4 countries for 10 days. My Mama heart was excited and afraid when I left him at the gate at the airport to depart but my wise- woman inner person and the Holy Spirit reminded me that he was emotionally strong and strong willed and ready- because I had been pouring into him for 17 years. I had also encamped a Village around him that filled in where I didn’t. He had a Great trip, and it was truly character- building.
Nowadays I’m just thankful for cell- phone technology that allows me to keep up with his whereabouts because my young man is always on the go- for business or for pleasure and often able to mix the two. I taught him that. I also fully felt what my parents felt when they had left me at an airport many years before to fly off to a College 17 hours away by car- to a place up North that they had never visited where I would need to find a village for myself in a world I now realize I knew very little about ( but thankfully my 17-year old self didn’t Know that at the time or I probably would not have gone). Talk about changes that I wasn’t totally conscious of!
As a parent, I have now sent several young folks off to follow their life path. I have sent what feels like thousands of text messages encouraging them to keep their heads up even in tough times and without a crystal ball myself. I have loaned them my confidence in them and my belief that they could rise to any occasion- while life continues to build them up on the inside. Life experiences continue molding all of them from the outside in and from the inside out- moving them through disappointments and trauma, building their confidence in themselves and their ability to successfully navigate their time here- in this longitudinal thing called legacy. Standing on the shoulders of their ancestors. Walking through time. Making history. Becoming history.
Did I mention that I am the first person in my extended family to earn a terminal degree? I’m what they now call “First-gen”. They didn’t call us that when I started my first degree up North at the College my parents had not seen although they did ultimately make a few car trips up there over my 4 years as a student. My Mom was there for the first Parent’s Weekend because my Village back home, including my elderly grandmother and my baby- sister who was in elementary school at the time were doing piecework to earn money for her to travel and my expenses because I was their dream too. My Dad was out doing odd- jobs while remaining laid – off at Ford so that he could retire from there years later. Which he did, and we had a big Party! I still drive Ford strong even today because Ford served my Dad well after he hung in there until retirement and their cars and family discounts still serve me well. Yep- I attended high school and started undergrad during the Reagan era and lived through-what did they call it- Reaganomics? It was tough and took individual and collective effort and collective responsibility for us all to get through those years. Changes came. We survived that and we will survive this term.
Changes were happening in and around me and hindsight is 20/20. Funny how after 2 degrees and a plethora of new experiences I decided to take on the challenge of being a mom, several times over- lol! And guess what- I’m a Grand now!!! I have 3 under 3. Two beautiful girls and a very handsome grandson. I have Legacy! I didn’t think I was ready for that either! I tell you what- these new extensions of me have already brought things out in me I didn’t know were in there! Lol! I think I have even become a bit sappy and that inner Mama-Bear is Woke! I act financially irresponsible when it comes to them. I must keep self-talking, taking things out of my Amazon cart (some things I save for later), steering clear of the baby departments and the toy departments, and even physically saving gifts for later because the bag is overflowing. However, one thing I learned from those Reagan years and working lots of hours to buy Christmas gifts for my entire family during my college years was how to be an expert, strategic and economical shopper. I now have babies eating out of my plate and sipping out of my cup which if you knew me like my family does you would be Shocked!
In the interim I urge you to pay attention and start engaging in dialogue with others. Somehow Generation X moved from 8-tracks to Albums – to CD’s to Apple Music on our phones – in a lifetime. Do you recall what you went through with each of these transitions? Did you ever think – this is it! Until it isn’t? Doesn’t it seem like change just comes and we manage to adapt to it if it makes sense and truly represents progress?